SI URELAX KIASI

Wassuuppp my lovelies. I want to start this blog post by saying nimewamiss. Loads of hugs and kisses to my fans who’ve been on my neck asking when the next article is dropping. For all those waiting for an explanation, I just want to respond by saying, life happens. Dassit! You think you have it figured out and then it hits you when you least expect it. Si ni life, ama? This brings me to the topic of the day.

Life in your early twenties is so confusing. You have friends who still live at home, some have moved out, some no longer have a curfew, others still have a 7 pm curfew (I am others), some are working, and some are in business… We’re diverse, and sometimes when you don’t know what category you fit, it starts to feel as if you’re falling behind.

And just when you think you’ve seen enough, you log into Twitter to see the ‘how it started vs how it’s going’ trend. It’s kids in the USA or South Africa who are your age-mates with keys to their homes! Homeowners at 22!!! Just casually with their significant other na wewe unakula tu blue ticks WhatsApp with no plan. Just series and good vibes the whole day. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t stop there, it gets worse. People who are not yet in their early twenties are millionaires now. The era of the internet has changed the game for so many people. 19-year-olds have started life, literally wameanza maisha. Meanwhile, with your big age at 20, the routine is series and good vibes.

The pressure to be successful is so intense. As a young adult, it’s easy to get caught up in all the noise around you. If you’re not careful it can lead to anxiety. ‘KUOMOKA’ movement is the new language. We’re all trying to chase that bag. We all have big dreams for ourselves. It has been repeated to us countless times to toil in our 20s so that our 30s will be smooth. We’re good students, we listen… So that’s exactly what’s happening.

Here’s what you won’t see in the smiling photos on the internet: The sleepless nights, the bad days, long months, the lack of social life, frustration, the tears and so much more. From a business owner’s perspective, what you won’t see is the series of months with nearly no sales, and the frustration that kicks in. We’re so hell-bent on constantly chasing the paper that we forget to live in the present. We forget to be grateful even for the small things. Sometimes you’re so caught up chasing the bag that you miss out on amazing events happening in your life in the background.

What I’m trying to say is, you’re young… cut yourself some slack. Try to live in the present so you don’t miss out on life while you’re constantly chasing your version of the perfect life. Some events in your life are too precious to miss out on. Be intentionally present. I promise you no one knows what they’re doing, we’re all winging it. It’s like a shot in the dark; you don’t really know what the outcome might be.

Lastly, don’t be scared to try new things for yourself. We really lost hobbies when we monetized everything. So do something for yourself that you genuinely enjoy. Take care of your mental well-being. Don’t get cooped up all day on YouTube researching ‘ways of making money fast’ (I know you do this... because same!) Get some sunshine, go for a walk, call your friend… There’s life beyond all the noise. Most importantly it’s okay if you’re still figuring it out!

LOVING THE PERSON I AM BECOMING

Our generation is very familiar with this saying, loving the person I am becoming. But what the hell does that even mean? We say it normally when trying to justify our escape from something or someone. I can’t even count the number of times I have told a guy I can’t date right now because I am working on the woman I am becoming.

The question here is what exactly am I becoming? Is it just an easier way to turn someone down and do I even believe that statement. Of course, it’s currently in the same wozzap group as ‘normalize’. But we’re not talking about that today. Our agenda today is this version of ourselves we are claiming to love.

I may not know what your journey is, and if you are actually taking steps to become a better person. That’s a small meeting I think you should have with yourself. I will however talk about my own journey because each day I wake up and I have to live it. Each day I have to wake up and look myself in the mirror while saying my affirmations. The truth is, half the time I am not even sure I believe the words I am saying. At the end of the day, I also have to say the things I am grateful for because part of being holistic is learning gratitude. However, sometimes I mention things I am thankful for but I’m not even sure if I actually mean it.

I don’t even know if I love this ‘new version’ of me or not. Of course, not all days look like this, but when I am stuck in my thoughts I really question the authenticity of this statement. I ask myself what truth it holds. My definition of this statement is a good Saturday morning, where I am up early. I get some exercise done finally because let’s face it, I have never really had a proper routine. I then put on a face mask, some nice house music that’s pretty chill and sip some purple tea over one of the many books I am still struggling to finish. #20BOOKSIN2020

The onset of my early 20s has taught me that self-care counts as adulting so I’m definitely doing well at least. I deserve to say these words on a good day. Another time when I can proudly say this is when I talk myself out of a ‘toxic situation’ that doesn’t bring me peace of mind. That’s definitely a win because it means that I am finally learning to guard my peace. What I don’t want to admit to myself is that in most cases, I talked myself out of something simply because I was probably too afraid or anxious to do it. And because I felt some form of discomfort then it definitely interfered with my peace.

The truth is, this statement has become an escape strategy for so many people. We say it to feel comfortable in our bad habits and toxic traits. We say it to conform to our inner child’s comfort zone as well. The reality on the ground kinda looks something like this:

You’ve been procrastinating almost the whole year. This year was probably worse because of the on-going pandemic obviously. So, you sat in your little comfort corner and blamed Covid-19 for the procrastination. You probably didn’t’ make New Year’s resolutions because adulting has made you realize that January 31st is just another day but with way more hype than usual. It’s still the same shit, just a different year. The only thing that changed was the dates in the calendar.

Granted, you have tried to become a better person. My very good friend likes to tell me ‘I don’t want to take that away from you’. So it’s a win and you should be proud. But are you really happy with this version of yourself? Can you really say I was at point A and I am now at point B, and you know what, I am happy with where I am? I feel very fulfilled with the steps I have taken to actually become a wholesome person. I get that sometimes it feels like one step forward and like ten behind. But you’re trying and that’s great. The question is, are you actually trying hard enough? Can you pick out instances that signify how much effort you are actually making?

I think it’s important to call yourself out on your bullshit once in a while. Throwing around this statement doesn’t mean anything unless it’s actually true. Unless you’re taking intentional steps to actually become a better person, you have no business saying these words. Maybe it’s time to actually be honest with yourself, don’t you think?

GET TO KNOW YOUR INNER CHILD (PART 1)

It’s a casual day in the week and your friend has really pissed you off. It’s probably something they said or did that made you feel like you wanted to throw hands. I want you to think back to how you handled that situation. You probably had an entire meltdown and said some things that you can’t take back. Ulichoma tu yaani. Your crazy just went off and you can’t explain it. If you’re like me and confrontations scare you, you probably walked away but you now have this feeling of bitterness weighing you down. Because you’re a ‘chicken’ you spent that entire day thinking about all the good comebacks that you could have used.

In our lives, we are faced with endless instances that require a reaction from us. We have to make decisions based on how the situation makes us feel. What we do not realize is that how we react in such instances is usually connected to our inner child.

The inner child is that part of your mind that stores all of our emotional experiences from childhood. It’s the core part of your mind affected mostly between the ages of 6-9 years old. We store an event or a series of events that triggered extremely strong emotions in us as children.

These triggered emotions cause a lock in your brain because they are so immense and this prevents your inner child from maturing. These ‘big’ emotions needed a parent/guardian to guide us through them because as children we did not have the emotional maturity to process them.

What happened naturally is that you created coping mechanisms at such a young age hence the emotional side of your mind matured faster than your logical side. As a result, throughout your life, as you become older, your emotional side is on a constant race to catch up with the logical side of your brain. So how does this influence how we react to situations in our lives?

The inner child that was stuck and unable to mature now became the lens through which you view your current experiences as an adult. For instance, if you felt unrecognized as a child for small wins such as doing well in school, winning a contest, being good at a new hobby you picked up… What you felt as a child was that you were not good enough, or that your parents did not love you enough. That is how you processed these emotions as a child. In your adult life now, you might notice that you talk yourself out of new experiences because you’re afraid that you won’t be good enough to succeed. Your inner child shields you from feeling how you felt when you were 6 years old; when you brought that report card home and no one acknowledged that win at the time.

You might also notice that as an adult, situations that can easily be sorted out turn into such a big deal. For instance, people who don’t switch off lights when they leave a room really piss you off and it can turn into a whole argument. ( I am people) Or people who leave dirty dishes in the sink and don’t know how to clean up after themselves. It could also be slow replies from your partner that gets on your last nerve. I’m guilty of overreacting when people squeeze out MY toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom. Where is your brain, please???

As an adult, your inner child has this great job of shielding you from emotions it doesn’t want to feel ever again because it didn’t know how to process them at the time. Sometimes instead of being rational, we throw a tantrum like the childlike version of ourselves. Most importantly, however, that’s how most of us developed the unhealthy coping mechanisms we have now. We hide from our problems, we are scared of confrontation, we have anger issues, a bad temper, self-isolating tendencies, numbing our emotions and so many more.

The experiences we went through don’t necessarily have to be traumatic. As long as the event triggered strong emotions in you as a child, then the inner child was wounded and that block in your mind was created which prevented the maturity of your inner child. As adults, we may dismiss these events because we are viewing them from an adult lens now. We are grown, probably more emotionally mature. However, at the time when you were a child, that event was a huge deal for you and it created an emotional wound.

In our journey towards emotional maturity as adults, healing can feel like one step forward and 20 steps back, right? And it sucks because you’re trying so hard. You’re listening to affirmations and saying them to yourself, reading books, you’ve picked up meditation, you’re creating time to be grateful every day, and you’re taking care of your mental well-being… But why does all this go to shit on certain days?

The reason is that you’re probably unable to handle your triggers. All these issues from your childhood that you’ve been pushing down and trying so hard to lock away in a little box are resurfacing. The negative intense emotions are seeping out. Trying to move forward is also hard because your inner child is scared of this new reality and wants you to remain in that comfort zone that’s familiar with all these coping mechanisms you’ve been having over the years.

Maybe it’s time to address this inner child within you as you take your steps towards emotional maturity as a young adult.