Consent sounds like such a scary word. It’s not a sexy word; it does not roll off our tongues in a seductive manner. However, as a generation with the ability to change the narrative, we must talk about consent. We had life-skills as a lesson in high school and quite frankly, it was just a waste of my good time. I wish we learned about the things we would encounter in our interactions both as teens and as young adults. The lines around consent are so blurry because we have refused to talk about it and the repercussions of turning a blind eye continue to be felt.
Recently a video on Instagram broke the internet. It was a girl telling her story about how she was sexually assaulted on the way home by a guy on a motorcycle. He had spanked her and the lady walking ahead of her as well. I thought this was so brave of her, to speak up about what happened to thousands of strangers. What followed was the disgust I felt from reading the comment section. People saying nasty things like she should be happy all she went through was spanking. Honestly, I was shook that this is the mentality that’s out there regarding consent. What got to me the most was how the people in the comment section spoke with so much entitlement and arrogance. The audacity of their implications; that she should feel good she was attractive enough to be sexually assaulted in broad daylight. I thought about the people on the streets with the Kenyan mentality. The mentality that as long it’s not happening to me I will simply mind my own business.
A while back a good friend of mine let me in on a conversation he was having with his guys. The way they spoke about women. The way they would call them sluts, whores, bitches... They described their previous ‘conquests’ and how easy it was to get a girl using drugs as a form of seduction; 'kanafunguka!' These are the type of conversations happening in the society. The sexually degrading remarks even in our places of work. We light one or crack open a bottle of beer and have such conversations casually. After all, it’s normal, and everyone talks like this. Do we realize the effects of such conversations, the things we unconsciously allow to happen?
Consent is having the capacity and the freedom to choose. It is about respect and communication. The definition is so straightforward but why do we act like it’s such a blurry line? It’s blurry because of the selfishness that exists, the inability to take no for an answer, the need to always get what you want at the cost of the other person’s dignity.
The reality we live in is that 1 in 3 women experience physical sexual violence in her lifetime. 1 in 6 men also experience physical sexual violence in their lifetime. The saddest part about all this is how hard it is to call out your abuser and speak up. We make it so difficult to speak about it because we have normalized so many wrong things. Silence provides power that fuels continuous sexual assault in society. The Kenyan mentality allows sexual assault to take place even in broad daylight because if it doesn’t affect me; it’s none of my business.
Not only are we turning a blind eye, but we’re also making up excuses for instances when consent is taken away. Why is it that when a brave person gets the guts to speak, they are immediately silenced by the excuses we have created? What was she wearing? Was she drunk? Why was she there at that time? Was she too confident around him? Did he have too much money on him? Ama he was scared to make the first move so she was helping? Maybe she looked like wanted it? This is how we shut down people trying to call out their abusers. This is the reason why 63% of sexual assaults are unreported.
No is not an invitation to prove how good your negotiating skills are. No doesn’t mean now spike their drink. No doesn’t mean use force. No doesn’t mean let’s get them tipsier they might change their minds. The other instances when consent is completely overlooked are when you’re repeatedly pestered to do something you don’t want, for instance sending nudes. When you’re groped in public, in the club, at an event, by your teacher, that weird uncle; that is assault. Call it out!
Can you get assaulted even in a relationship? The answer is yes! Being in a relationship doesn’t give your partner any right over your body. You still have the freedom to choose. If you hear no, stop, I’m tired…. This is an indication of denied consent. The assault in relationships is harder to report because the excuse they will hit you with is, he is your boyfriend or she is your girlfriend. You need to realize that consent is having the freedom to choose even in a relationship.
Consent has nothing to do with where you were, if you were drunk or sober, what you were wearing, if you were confident around them, if you were too shy and looked like you needed help, if he is your partner… It simply means no means no. Consent also means you are allowed to change your mind, and it’s okay. It means respecting the other person.
Remember we give power to abusers when we keep quiet. Call your friends out if what they’re doing is wrong. Stop silencing that guy who needs to speak out because apparently he's not being manly. Words like 'wacha umama!' Men get assaulted too. Being a ‘pick me’ friend will not benefit anyone. In my city, your friends are friends with your abusers. Among our squads, we are friends with abusers. We watch and say nothing because it doesn’t affect us directly. We say nothing because hatutaki kukua watiaji. But if you look at the statistics, chances are, you’re probably affected.
Why is it that for the topic to make sense we have to bring the examples closer home? Why must we use words like what if it was someone close to you? We have to break it down and say words like imagine if that was your mother, sister, brother... How about showing respect because the other person is a human being!
As a young adult, you have the power to change the narrative by having conversations around consent. You have the ability to take back the power given to abusers my speaking out and calling out what is wrong. You have the ability to call out your friends when they’re out of line. You have the ability to support your friends and be there for them. If you're out and you have the responsibility of taking care of your friends that night, do a damn good job!
Consent is not a taboo topic, it is a conversation we must keep having.
NO MEANS NO! PEROIDTTTTT!